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The Healing Angel | |
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This is a shortened version of my near death experience.
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I was born and raised a Catholic. The beliefs that the Catholic religion taught me were to fear God and that he would get me if I did not do as I was told. I was told that when I died I would have to go to Hell as my punishment for all of my bad deeds before I would be worthy to be in God's presence. At no point in time before my experience did I stray from the belief that I would be severely punished one day.
I grew up to fear God and I used to pray that he did not notice me. I stopped going to Church. I stopped talking to God for many, many years. I was tired of being afraid. Although the fear never left me, I decided that I would live my life the best that I could and if that was not good enough for God, then I would just take whatever punishment he was going to give me. Life went on and I married and bought a house. My marriage was wonderful. My husband a kind and caring man. I was very happy.
The whole situation revolves around a 15 year old girl who was horribly tortured and murdered. I am sorry but I cannot state the name of girl out of respect for her parents. I have not spoken to them about this and I wish to respect their need to heal. It is difficult to explain to say the least. How could someone I have never met have such a profound effect on my life.
One day I was watching the news on TV when I heard about a young girl who was missing and the police were searching for her. A few weeks later the news had reported that the young girl had been found and that she had been tortured and murdered. I will call her "Jane". As I sat there listening to the news reporter, my reaction to the news of the discovery of her body was "Oh God No! Not Jane!" As I said these words out loud, my husband looked at me funny and asked me if I knew her. I did not. I had no idea why I said that or why I was feeling so sick to my stomach. My heart sank. It felt as though it was drowning.
From that point forward I slowly began to talk and pray to God asking him to help the police catch whoever was responsible for these crimes. As each day passed, I would find myself praying more. Talking to God more freely. I pleaded with him to help Jane with the pain and hurt of what happened to her. My heart ached for her. I could not explain why I felt this way, I just did.
Over a period of time, I began to have visions of Jane. Very short, very clear visions. I thought I was losing my mind. I could not share these visions with my husband or anyone for that matter. What would they think of me? Why was I seeing such an awful thing? What was wrong with me? How could I be so sick to see such horror? The visions would come when I least expected it and tears would stream down my face. The anguish that came with each day was unbearable at times. My heart was so sad and I could not tell anyone. After all, I did not know Jane or her family. Why would I care so much? I would be watching TV or doing housework without a single thought in my mind and the vision would come and the tears would start. The vision would pass but the tears would flow for a while.
What I saw was a man's back and as he walked I could see Jane's face through the space between his arms and his body. As his arms swayed, I could see Jane pleading for her life. I could see her pleas to be spared and freed. I felt as though I was looking through the eyes of a camera. Then the vision would subside. Jane was crying so profusely, I wanted so much to reach out to her. I could not. I was not even sure if what was happening to me was real. I am still not sure if what I was seeing was real. I do not want to know either! The area of what I could see in the visions was very limited. It was like was watching a close-up on TV. I could not see much of the background or the surrounding area. Jane's face was clear, I never saw the killers' faces!
Month's went by and each day was the same. I would talk to God and get angry with him because the responsible parties were not caught yet. I yelled at him many times. I asked him questions like "what kind of a God are you that would let this happen to a child?" The more that time passed, the harder I would pray. After the visions commenced, I started to watch the news morning, noon and night to hear if anyone had been caught. I did not wish to know the details. I saw the fear in this young girl's face. My heart always filled with sadness and despair. The visions came often and I pleaded with God to help Jane's soul to heal. To please take away the awful pain of what happened. I asked him to hold her soul in his gentle hands. I prayed that God would help her, that he had not deserted her. I would have done anything to help Jane. I spent months crying for Jane. I still cry every time I read what is written on these pages.
At times, I was so angry with God. I figured that I was never going to be allowed in Heaven anyway, so I might just as well "let him have it" and I told him what I thought about what happened often. In fact, I told him daily. Each time a vision came,I would sob, plead and yell at God for my lack of understanding as to why this happened. demanding that he tell me. The visions were always the same ones, over and over again.
Then finally, the police had a lead on a certain type of car. They appealed to the public for anyone who owned the same vehicle or a similar type of vehicle and asked them to participate and voluntarily bring their vehicles to designated areas that had been set up so they could be checked for forensic evidence. The visions still came. My anxiety continued to grow. By now, I was beginning to sense that the guilty parties were looking for another child. I could feel this. I was certain that they were looking for another child. Each time I thought about them taking another child, panic would set in. I was desparate for them to be caught. As each day passed my anxiety grew and I prayed for all those in involved.
Again after extensive searching for this vehicle, the search was about to be called off. As I was watching the news with my husband, they announced that the search was about to end and before I knew it I was on my feet pacing back and forth and talking to God - Out Loud! - in front of my husband! I said "They are going to do it again God! I can just feel it!" My husband looked at me and said "Do you think so honey?" At that point I realized that I was on my feet and talking out loud and decided to sit down.
The next day I was alone again watching the news to see if there was anything new. The news reporter announced that they were calling off the search again for sure. I could not stand it any longer. I could feel that another child was going to be taken and killed. I was so angry. I yelled at God and said: "God, you can have me! You can send me to Hell or whatever! Torture me for all eternity! You cannot let this happen again!" I was sobbing and crying. "Please God, please hear me! I give you my life instead as a trade. You can do to me whatever you want and I will not complain. Give me to Satan! Please do not let another child die this way. No more children God! No more! Answer me God! Please help to catch Jane's killers. Please God!" I have never prayed so hard or pleaded so much before.
A very short time later, the news announced that they had arrested somebody in Jane's death. When I heard that the circumstances surrounding the arrest were the result of "chance", I was amazed. I thought Oh Boy! Well, now I have done it I thought. As I sat there stunned at the news, I said "Well, God you answered me and a deal is a deal!" I decided that I could not go back on my word because then God could go back on his and maybe these 2 would get off on technicalities. I could not have this. It was a fair trade. I felt sure that these 2 were responsible for the horrors that happened and with much reluctance in my heart, I waited for God to orchestrate my horrible demise and prepared myself for an eternity spent in Hell. After all, I had made the deal.
Days, weeks, months went by. Hours, months, they were all the same to me. Time no longer had any meaning. I was too busy waiting to die. My soul died the moment I heard about their capture. It was at that point that I stopped watching the news. I did not need to see or hear anything more. They were arrested and that was enough for me to know. Besides the memories of the visions were still quite clear in my mind. I was not interested in the details at all. The only thing I wanted to hear was "Guilty" from the jury presiding over their trial.
My days were filled with wondering when and how I would be killed. I wondered just how bad Hell could be. My last thought each night before I slept was "I wonder if I will die tonight?" Each morning when I awoke my first thought was "mmm....I am still here. I wonder if I will die today?". No matter what I was doing my mind would wander and I would find myself thinking about when my death would come. Each time I spoke to someone I found myself thinking about how much I will miss them. It was hard to keep myself from crying 24 hours a day.
As time marched on, so did my resolve that I was going to die. One day while at my mom's house, I was sitting there talking to God in my mind asking him if he would grant me a last request. I asked him if he would gather all those who have passed over before me that I loved just long enough for me to tell them that I loved them and to say goodbye. I asked for this one last request before he was to send me to Hell. I assured God that I would be ready to take whatever punishment he had to hand out. I just wanted to say goodbye. As I sat there with my thoughts, my sister said something about a hug. I spoke up and for some reason said "once you have hugged Jesus, there ain't no hugging the rest!"
I suffered by myself in silence. I could not share this with my husband or anyone. They would have thought who in their right mind would trade their life for another's? With my upbringing, it was not hard for me to think that God would take my life. I had resided myself to the fact that I had traded my life for the capture of these two. Finally, after waiting a long time for death to come, I began to appreciate the beauty that the Earth had to offer. The beauty of Life. I was in a constant state of fear and gratitude. Afraid of God, yet grateful that he had created so much beauty in the world and how much I would miss it. The grass seemed greener. The whole world seemed more beautiful to me now than it was before which made me sad because I believed that I would no longer be a part of it. I would spend my eternity in Hell.
Then one day, I was a passenger in my husband's truck and we were driving home from shopping on a bright, beautiful, warm sunny afternoon in June. It was about 2:00pm As I sat there looking around, I was talking to God in my mind. I was telling him that he does some mighty fine work! What a beautiful place I lived in and how much I would miss being here surrounded by all of the beauty and how awful that Hell was going to be but I assured God that I was content to go there. Just as I am having those thoughts, suddenly I was no longer in the pickup truck with my husband. I could feel myself travelling but I could not see anything. Mind you, it never even occurred to me that I was no longer in the truck.
Then a very large black building appeared before me. It was trimmed with a gold coloured strapping about every 10 feet or so. I remember thinking to myself that I felt that I could walk through the wall and yet I could not see through it. Just then 2 large doors in the centre of the building swung open. As I watched the doors open I saw that there were about 20 or 30 spirits standing in the entrance way and I instantly remembered them. As I entered the building I could feel their love for me and their excitement at seeing me.
As I gazed around the building I saw balconies upon balconies of spirits. It was like Skydome in Toronto. I could feel their unconditional love for me. Their joy and happiness at my presence was overwhelming. As I looked around my focus was drawn to the back of the building where a lone fellow stood. I took one look at his little smirk and knew immediately who he was. As he stretched out his arms, I flew to him and we embraced each other. I said to him "Jesus, I have wanted to hold you for so long now!" Jesus just smiled his sweet little smirk and embraced me harder as we spiraled upward toward the rafters. Jesus shared some knowledge with me and I could feel God's presence. I did not see God, I felt him. I felt God communicating with me through thoughts. God gave me information and some of it I have always remembered but most of it comes to me as I need it. I just seem to know things.
The next thing I could feel was myself being sent back to my body. I was screaming at the top of my lungs "No Jesus, please, I want to stay with you! Please do not send me back there! Let me stay with you!" My words were not heard by my husband who was still sitting and driving right beside me. I could feel my soul as it was gently being guided back to my waiting body. I know why the hearts of Jesus, Mary and others have a circle of light around them. I could feel my own circle of light, my soul, being placed in my body. For about 30 seconds I existed in Heaven and on Earth at the same time. I could feel my own circle of light being placed back into my body. I could still see the building in heaven and I could see and feel my earthly surroundings. My heart area was filled with this incredibly warm and comfortable sensation. An extremely profound sense of unconditional love. They were all so happy to see me and I think even happier that I could see them. They all love me so much. I could not believe that they would love me this much.
The sensation is not describable with words, but I will try. It was a true sense of being connected to all that exists. Connected to God and to all that he had created. The Universe and everything in it spoke to me in a single voice - a voice I have always known as God. I truly knew that I was in fact a part of him just as we all are. We are his children and connected to him and all that exists.
As I sat there, I was desperate to hang onto this sensation. It is the most profound sensation that I have ever felt. I pulled my hands to my chest and fought to keep this overwhelming feeling as I could feel it slipping away from me. I could feel it fading away more quickly and I clutched my chest even harder. My husband sat beside me the whole time and was totally unaware of what happened. He did, however, look over at me and ask if I was alright. All I could say to him was "fine" in a whisper. I was still trying to hold on to what I was feeling. Again, he asked me "Are you sure you are okay? You look kinda glowy!" Again, all I could say was "fine" in a whisper. We arrived home and pulled into the driveway 5 minutes later. I did not share what happened to me with my husband at first.
I was not sure what had just happened, how could I tell anybody else? I knew that I loved the sensation and that I was before God, Jesus and many others, but I could not imagine myself as being worthy of receiving anything from God. It took some time for me to understand and accept what had happened. I have always been worthy in God's eyes. So is everybody else! My journey was so incredible! God answered my prayers. He had gathered everyone together when I visited and Jesus gave me the hug that I had longed for. It was everything that I had expected and nothing like I expected at the same time. God is the most wondrous being that I have ever encountered. He truly is all-knowing. God is the collective consciousness of all that exists in the universe. All the energy in the universe spoke to me as one thought in perfect harmony. He taught me many things in such a short visit. I was told that there are no "sins" only choices and the lessons we learn from making choices. We are all God's children and he knows that we are learning and that we can only learn from making our own choices and accepting responsibility for the outcome. It was made clear to me that God will not judge me or anyone else. His love is unconditional and therefore he cannot judge us.
When we go home to be with God and others, we judge ourselves. We review our lives in a very unique way. It is like watching a movie about our lives. All of the events unfold before us and as we watch ourselves interacting with others and not only do we feel our own feelings but we feel the other person's as well. We have a unique opportunity to watch the effect that we have had on other people - The Good, The Bad and the Ugly. We achieve a true sense of empathy for those that we were involved with and we get to see how our input affected their lives. This is how we truly learn. We cannot lie or deceive ourselves during this review process. With a true feeling of empathy, we are able to understand and learn from the choices that we made while we were here on Earth.
It was made clear to me that my prayer of trading my life for another's was pure of heart. It was also made clear to me that our lives are not ours to trade or barter with. For me to say that same prayer again now would be filled with emptiness. It would have no meaning because I know now that our lives do not belong to just us but to everyone. We are all connected. It was explained to me that my prayer was pure of heart because of what I believed at the time. I did not understand that God does not want me to voluntarily give up my life. He gave me this life so I could experience. He has no desire for me to give it back to him. I know now that all of my fears of God are not necessary and that I do not need to barter with him to be heard. God loves me! God loves us all. I also know that my prayer was not the only prayer heard and answered…there were many who prayed for the two families who lost their children. In fact, there was an entire country praying for all those involved.
I want all those who read this to understand, that I am not against the Catholic religion and I also understand that the religion has changed a great deal since I was a child. I have an unfaltering respect for all religions and religious beliefs throughout the world. God knows about all of the beliefs on Earth and he is content with them and I have no reason not to be content and accepting as well.
I simply wish to spread God's simple truth and that is that he exists, he loves us all, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVES US ALL. He does not hurt you nor does he send anyone to hurt you. God does not wish any of us to live our lives in pain. He wants only the best for us but he does not make the choices in our lives, we do. There has never been a time where our will bowed to God's. God has always bowed to our will. We as a human race have always done what we wanted to do. There are many of examples throught history. God did not build and then blow up the Chernobyl Nuclear Reactor, nor would he. Man/woman kind have never bowed to God' s Will. We do not have to bow to God's Will if we wish to make our own choice. Making a choice teaches us something and God is more than content with that.
My advice and prayer to all is simply this: Live your life as best you can. Be grateful for what you have. Be truly grateful no matter how trivial it may seem. Be kind and respect all that is earthly for they are God's creations. We do not need to understand his creations to respect and care for them. Love all those who cross your path without conditions, without judgment. Love is God's greatest message. Know that all those who have come to Earth have come to learn and experience. If we are to experience, then choices must be made. Sometimes we make choices that might appear to be wrong, but we have still learned & experienced a lesson. There are no "wrong" lessons. The only person we should be judging is ourselves and even then, judgment should be kept to whether or not we like strawberries or bananas, steak or chicken, etc. It should not be to judge ourselves a loser or not good enough. We must learn not to beat ourselves up over our choices and allow our own personal histories to be our teacher and learn. We must try not to judge others or the choices they make for it is up to each individual to decide what they need to learn and if God is content not to judge, so too should we be content. We need to learn how to trust ourselves and recognize and accept the answers as they are presented to us. God gave us free will and the right to choose what we want and just as we cannot learn our children's lessons for them, God cannot stop us from learning the lessons we draw to ourselves by making choices. We have all come to learn about ourselves and each other. Each person has a purpose and a right to chose whether or not they wish to attain this purpose. We must decide on our own what our purpose is. Some of us agree to come to Earth to do what many would find impossible to believe.
I am not sure why such an awful thing happened to this wonderful young girl, but I must have faith in God. Nor do I understand why it had such a profound affect on me. I still struggle with not judging the 2 persons responsible for these horrific deaths. It is so hard not to judge them. It is my hope that as time passes, that the struggle will become easier and it will not be so hard to let go of the judgment. I know in my heart that they will have to face those they harmed and experience their actions through the eyes of their victims.
It is truly in my heart for every soul that exists that you find your purpose and live your life with forgiveness, caring, kindness, compassion and most of all love. Love truly does make the world go round! My prayers and best wishes to all those in the world. I pray for God to shine in your hearts everyday and especially in your hour of need just as he shined in mine! I know that God is there for all of you. You are worthy of whatever is given to you. May God Bless all of you, all that is in your life and all that is still to come.
Copyright The Angel Healer
